Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I'm having a really shitty day

My grandmother is in the hospital, and she's not doing well. My mom said she's kinda out of it, and on a machine to assist her breathing. She didn't say what drugs they gave her, or what machine she's on.. probably because she knows I would know by that alone how bad she really is. I'm too freaked out to go though. I can't do hospitals. I can work in them, because I don't know those people, but this is Nanie. This isn't some random guy in thoracic surgery, this is my my Nanie. I can't go and watch her die there. Any time I walk into a hospital to see someone, even if it's for something good, like a baby being born, I get uncomfortable. That standing in the room, looking at someone in a hospital bed that you care about, it just reminds me of being 8 years old, and seeing my father at Beth Israel. It's the last image I have of him, and I can't deal when I see someone like that. I know it's selfish, but I can't go..



I wish I believed in god, so I could have someone to yell at..

Worst timing..

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